


Parting

by sludge



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:25:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8123455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sludge/pseuds/sludge
Summary: My take on the scene where Steve mourns Bucky's death in Captain America: The First Avenger.





	

After years of carefully crafted plans and executing missions with deadly assuredness on how to act at every step of the way, Steve suddenly finds himself at a loss for what to do. He wanders, bottle of whiskey by his side, through war-ravaged London to the tavern where he first recruited the Howling Commandos. The tavern is now an ashen husk after being bombed while they all were away, all gray and charred, but Steve manages to find a small table and chair still standing. The screech of the chair legs scraping across the floor is deafening in the silence of nighttime London.

Steve hums what he remembers of the song that the Commandos were singing when he met with them here.

_“Fare thee well, for I must leave thee,_

_Do not let this parting grieve thee,_

_And remember that the best of friends_

_Must part, must part.”_

He settles onto the chair and pours himself a drink. And then another drink, and another, and another. Steve got a lot of presents from fans back in the US, lots of letters covered in a child’s clumsy scrawl and photos of smiling young women and big bars of chocolate some must have spent an entire week’s pay on. The alcohol came to him wrapped in plain brown paper and a short typed note thanking him for his service and telling him to save this bottle for a good time. The whisky is amber and warm looking, and the label of it peels off easy under Steve’s worrying hands. He’s two-thirds through the bottle when he hears someone approaching. Steve glances over his shoulder to see Peggy at the entrance. She hesitates, like she’s unsure if she should approach him.

“Dr. Erskine said that the serum wouldn’t just affect my muscles, it would affect my cells. Create a protective system of regeneration and healing,” Steve calls out to her weakly and then refills his glass. “Which means I can’t get drunk.... Did you know that?”

“Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person,” Peggy says in a very cautiously clinical tone. “He thought it could be one of the side effects.” She walks around the table and pulls up a dusty stool so she can sit across from Steve. His eyes are rimmed with red, but the tears subsided several drinks ago.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Peggy says plainly.

“Did you read the report?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know that’s not true.”

“You did everything you could,” she insists.

Steve is silent. Peggy inhales slowly.

“Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?” Steve barely nods. “Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it. 

But Steve can’t find any dignity in his own damn choice to not save Bucky, to not confess his feelings for Bucky before it was too late. Bucky was worth everything, but Steve chose to give him nothing. Not a damn thing. We’ll have our time after the war, Steve had thought. We can wait. He can’t stop picturing Bucky’s outstretched hand as he fell from the train, and Bucky’s dark eyelashes resting on his cheek as they slept side by side in the trenches.

Steve’s eyes burn with tears again and he lowers his head into his folded arms on the table so Peggy won’t see him cry. He clenches his teeth trying to hold it all in, but even the serum cannot give him the strength to do that. His jaw aches with the effort. Steve Rogers feels weak and ashamed.

God, this sure as hell wasn’t like it was in the pictures back home. Every time a dame in the films cries over her fallen lover, her eyes glisten pretty with tears and violins play in the background. Steve’s whole body is seized with the pain of it all and he wants to dig his heart out of his chest just to make it stop.

“I was in love with him, Peggy.” Steve finally chokes out. “I was in love with him since we were kids. I never told him.”

Peggy is silent for a long time. Steve doesn’t lift his head to see her expression.

“I… I’m sorry, Steve,” she says quietly after a while. “He—I… I’m sure he loved you back. But Barnes is gone now… and _you_ are still here.” Her voice grows more confident. “The war is still here. _I’m_ still here. 

Steve looks up at her. Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears; her mouth is set in a tight line.

“Your job is not done here, Steve. We must keep moving forward.” She rises suddenly and begins striding around the table towards the exit. “I’ll see you tomorrow at 0800, soldier.” Peggy brushes a hand over Steve’s shoulder briefly before she goes. It doesn’t comfort him.

“I’m goin’ after Schmidt. I’m not gonna stop until all of HYDRA is dead or captured,” Steve calls after her hoarsely.

The clicking of Peggy’s footsteps stops momentarily. “You won’t be alone.”

Steve tries to convince himself that she’s right. He misses Bucky.


End file.
